I should tell you now, I’m writing this days in advance of the time you’re reading this. This article will be automatically posted on May 12th, at 12 PM. Usually, when an article is posted I am looking at it to make sure that it’s fine.
That is not the case today. I am not on the other side of our one-sided black mirror.
And your ass better fuckin’ not be on yours.
TEARS OF THE KINGDOM IS LITERALLY OUT RIGHT NOW
Have you not seen this trailer yet? If you haven’t seen it, it would make sense you haven’t yet bulldozed your way into your nearest GameStop and drop-kicked the twelve-year-old holding the last copy.
But since you’ve seen it now. Holy shit, right? I mean holy shit!
That part where the music first swells into that Earth-shattering horns section as they’re falling?!
Matthew Mercer’s Ganon letting those pipes cry on the track for us?!
That SHIP my guy?! What?!
Even this thing!
Should I be turned on by this?!
What is this thing?!
I don’t know! But you can go find out. Right now.
But you’re not leaving.
Why?!
What do you still need? A review? Are you waiting for a review?!
There you go! This review is excellent, spoiler free, the whole kit and kaboodle.
Is that not enough confirmation for you, you little freak?!
Well. Okay. Here.
There are like three games that have scored this high ever
A sea of comforting, re-enforcing confirmation from everyone smarter than you (including me) that you should play this fucking game.
Oh, I’m not smarter than you? You need confirmation not just of artistic merit but of technical quality? That it’ll run on the Switch?
There. There’s everything you need to know before Tears of the Kingdom.
It is, by all accounts a technical and artistic wonder that will serve as a swan song to the Switch, to Aonumas legacy, to all the creative energy crammed into the entirety of the Legend of Zelda as a franchise, and it caps off generations of open world games in a swan song of unparalleled proportions.
And now? It’s time to play.
Stop
Stop Scrolling.
Get the hell out of here!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Just to suffer?!
What else do you want from me?
Do you want me to tell you that I shouldn’t be so pushy? That, maybe, we all shouldn’t be so pushy?
That you shouldn’t have to put your entire life on pause when a video game comes out, no matter how good it is?
That maybe it’s okay to take these things as they come naturally to your life? That if you want to catch up on your back catalogue that’s okay? Hell, maybe you’re not even done with Breath of the Wild, right?
Do you want me to tell you that it’s okay you came here, maybe even hoping for a brief respite from the endless content regarding Tears of the Kingdom you have no doubt been completely inundated with?
That our culture of required buy-in and ceaseless upkeeping is toxic and damaging to the very nature of ingesting art? That you’re still valid, even if you’re not 100% up-to-date, all the time?
Is that what you want me to say?
Well fuck you.
I ain’t sayin’ none of that shit.
Kumbaya, motherfucker.
Go play Tears of the Kingdom.
LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOO!
